Why caravans are “The Enemy”

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Caravans are The Enemy. Let me tell you why…

When my partner Danielle and I are out riding our bikes, we have a few shorthand ways to alert each other to various dangers, some of them obvious — like “truck!” or “dog!” — some of them little in-jokes known only to us:

Roo Fuckers
Massive utes on their way to a B&S Ball (or so they’d have us think!) fitted out with huge curving bullbars, spotlights, and bumper stickers that sport lovely slogans like My other ride is your daughter. The call “Roo Fucker!” alerts us to the presence of a 19-year-old twit on his way back from inhaling nangs after footy training, likely not paying attention (or caring if he does) to cyclists on the road.
Real Estate Agent
Massive utes, all shiny late-model Ford F150s or Raptors driven by R.M. Williams-wearing real estate agents and property developers. See: Roo Fuckers, but with money.

But my favourite, and the one we call out the most, because they are by far the most dangerous:

The Enemy

The Enemy is Let’s face it: they’re always blokes! pulling a huge house-deposit-on-wheels, fitted out with more appliances and creature comforts than his actual fucking house.

Because he either…

…he has no earthly idea how wide the caravan is in relation to his SUV. So even if he’s a nicer sorta fella and gives the cyclist in front of him 1–1.5 metres of overtaking space, the nimrod has forgotten that the big box behind him The maximum width in Australia for a caravan is 2.5m. A large SUV/ute is normally about 1.9m. He isn’t used to the forces exerted by the 2–4 tonnes he’s towing as he rounds bends, et cetera so he is wobbling all over the place. The kids are screaming in the back seat because the movie screens in the chair headrests have blacked out and little Kayden and Brittanee are now bored shitless at having to engage with the real world without Bluey.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been buzzed very closely by a caravan that didn’t even bother to give me the metre, and I can just about smell the cheap paint as it breezes by.

When the call of “The Enemy” rings out, we pull off the road altogether as we would a logging truck in north Tasmania.

I’d much rather share the road with a 26-metre-long B-Double semi-trailer, because they are driven by somebody who is

It seems counter-intuitive, and yes trucks are just inherently dangerous and shouldn’t be in the same space as bicycles, but I’ve found Perhaps not the Tassie logging trucks, although even then there were many that did their best with a shit road infrastructure.

“But not all caravanners!”

It’s true, there are some grey nomads who’ve been towing for years and can handle their van better than I handle my loaded bike. Some are Boomers who won’t give the space to a cyclist regardless, but many are just your decent Aussie retiree, not in a hurry so not driving aggressively, just getting around this beautiful country and loving their post-work life. These guys aren’t the target of this rant.

If you’re a proud caravan owner reading this and thinking I’m a flog, that’s OK: Go prove me wrong and be nice to your fellow road warriors, albeit the ones with less wheels.

Caravan “share” services/apps

This absolutely terrifies me and should be heavily regulated. These drivers are even less suitable for towing a caravan than someone who has actually invested some time and money and thus has skin in the game. Nope. Just open the app, a few hundred bucks later, you’re towing four tonnes! I’ve always thought caravans should require a special license like a truck does (it’s mind-boggling that they don’t) but these new services just cement that opinion.

If you want an idea of just how idiotic Australian rules are, just read this passage celebrating our lax regulations over on a caravan sales site:

What that means is that a person in Australia with a car licence can tow anything from a light camper behind a small SUV, to a big braked caravan weighing up to 7000kg, hitched up to a light truck with a GVM of 4495kg, without any special training or qualifications.

Yay! They even go on to tell you that…

Can I enjoy a bevvy while touring around?
Yes, although it’s not advisable. Towing a caravan requires more skill and concentration than single-vehicle driving so you want to keep your wits about you at all times. Best wait until you’re all set up for the night before you crack a cold one.

Yes Trevor, that would not be advisable.

Copyright mmxxiv Ryan Moore. All rights reserved unless otherwise specified.